Countdown
by JeiC
Summary: Some prefer to celebrate the coming of the New Year quietly.


Disclaimer: Sorry, I don't own the Teen Titans, but I still like to write stories involving them. However, if you do decide to pass the story along, please keep my name on it.

Author's notes: This is my entry for a contest on JT's forums. Not much else to say other than I wanted to try writing for this fandom. This takes place before the fourth season of the animated series, but I still make references to things that occur during the fourth and fifth seasons.

Warnings: angst

**Countdown**

by JeiC  
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Taking a moment to inhale the aroma from my cup of herbal tea, the door opens to our gathering area, ending my moment of solitude. My mind is my weapon and it made sense to broaden it past telekinesis…the sounds a person makes when they move can often tell you not only who they are, but what their frame of mind is. Though with some people, it is still next to impossible to determine a frame of mind without relying on my empathic abilities.

"Hey, Raven."

"Robin," I greet in kind without turning to look at him. Though he may not realize it, I learned about that through him. I have to admit, for a person with no special powers, he never considers that a disadvantage, but rather strengthens himself in other areas in order to compensate. I'm still not as good with listening to people's movements as the leader of the Teen Titans, but make a point of trying to learn a little more everyday. I can sense him moving behind me, heading in the direction of the television. Perhaps I should make my exit before the sounds of some brain-rotting show or a video game begin.

Moving towards the door with my beverage of choice, Robin speaks again, "We're going to the New Years party downtown tonight. You should come with us."

The masked boy knows that parties are something that I am not fond of and I do not seek such events out, but I also know that he is simply trying to be a friend by inviting me. "Thank you, but I think I'll pass."

"The invitation is open if you change your mind." Even with my back to him, I can see that sad, pleading look he gives me at times like this. Sometimes I wish Robin wouldn't look at me like that...he knows I am solitary both by necessity and by choice.

"I'll keep that in mind," and to end this conversation, I make my departure from Ops, returning to the comfort of my room.

Picking up a book I borrowed from the library with my powers, I bring it along with me to a comfortable spot on my bed with my cup of herbal tea in hand. I have my reasons for not wanting to celebrate the coming of this new year, but I also do not want to burden my friends with my problems...I still have time to figure out how to avoid it if it is even possible.

Time passes quietly in the physical world, with only the turning of pages and sips of tea to interrupt the silence, giving me the perfect setting to enjoy my borrowed book. I'm somewhat glad I had the foresight to borrow a couple of extra books to get though the holiday closures at the library. This one is not from my usual genre, but Cyborg was very excited about this particular piece of fiction, and I figured it couldn't hurt to give it a try. Not that I would tell him that so far I agree with his recommendation that he made to the team in general or even let him know that I decided to try it.

A loud knock on my door jars me away from a cold, empty cup and page one-hundred, forty-seven. I apply the same theory as before, mentally guessing that with the powerful knock, it is most likely Starfire. Robin and Beast Boy do not have as much force behind their banging, and Cyborg's pounding has a metallic sound to it. Opening the door partially, I find my observations correct, though I neglected to attempt to discern her mood before I answered.

"Hello friend Raven!" Though with Starfire, she's most likely perky and cheerful to often irritating levels. "Have you seen Beast Boy? He does not answer his communicator. He will most likely wish to join us for the festivities of the year anew. Are you coming with us to this party in celebration of the changing of the calendar? It will be a most glorious celebration. There will be music, and dancing, and fireworks, and singing about an Old Lang Sign, and..."

"I haven't seen Beast Boy today, Starfire," I start to cut her triad off, "the song is called Auld Lang Syne, and I already told Robin that I'm not going." Upon seeing her face fall at the last part, I try to give the Tamaranian something else to help, "Beast Boy is probably already downtown at the party and can't hear his communicator."

Seemingly having forgotten her disappointment momentarily, Starfire giggled. "He does claim to be what he calls a 'party animal'. I wonder which animal he will chose to be. Perhaps he will be one of the small, furry animals that can perform numerous amusing antics."

"Uh…I'm pretty sure he didn't mean that literally." Sometimes I find it hard to determine if the alien girl simply doesn't understand or if she's cracking a joke. Most people take her awkward comments at face value, but through much observation, she has displayed an excellent grasp of Terran culture, though her syntax is what makes her sound as if she doesn't understand. Translating isn't easy and I'll admit to that, but I also had a longer period of time to grow up with both languages.

"Oh…are you sure you do not wish to join us this evening?" Green eyes plead with me to reconsider my earlier decision.

"I think I'll pass. If I change my mind, I'll let you guys know." Some things work universally in society, and it'll keep things straight when she goes to talk to Robin.

Sliding the door shut, Starfire's eyes catch me one more time. "Then I hope that your mind does the changing and comes with us to this wonderous occasion." I close the door the rest of the way. There's nothing good about the year to come. As I had told Robin when I first met him, if he knew anything about me, he wouldn't want me here. It kills me to hide things, but all the same, it is better for them not to know.

Looking back at the book resting on my bed and glancing at the time, I decide that after my conversation with Starfire, I need to take a break. Who knows, maybe I'll have one of my moments where I seemingly go against my own better judgment and decide to join them. I guess they've started to rub off on me a bit. Okay, not quite that much.

Lately I've been remaining in my room for longer periods of time. The others managed to drag me out to their holiday celebrations. It was mostly a simple exchange of gifts, but of course the others wanted to have a party. In retrospect, I could never have asked to find such good friends. If there is anything good that has come to my life thus far, it is my fellow team members.

Making my way through the silent halls, I wander up to the roof to meditate. I suppose the others have left already to find amusement downtown. Perhaps I should have gone with them long enough to find something to eat – I don't cook for a reason, though maybe I should try it someday.

Heading directly for my usual spot, I know better than to levitate while meditating up here, though depending on the conditions, I occasionally do. Thankfully, the one time that I nearly got blown off the roof, I was by myself. I might not have heard the end of it otherwise. "Azarath Metrion Zinthos…Azarath Metrion Zinthos…" Time moves, and I only take note as I can feel the sun sink further into the horizon. "Azarath Metrion Zinthos…Aza…"

"Yo, Raven! There you are! What are you doing up here meditating when there's a party going on?" Wouldn't be the first time I was mistaken about the location of my comrades. I feel Cyborg approach me, though I don't feel the need to stand up to greet him. "The rest of us are going to be heading out soon. You coming?"

My patience with them is wearing thin though. I remind myself that they are simply concerned and don't want to leave me out. "No. I already told Robin and Starfire."

My half-robotic friend, who is somewhat like an older brother to me, is still very hard for me to read. I haven't decided whether that is because his mechanical parts are limited in their ability for him to portray his emotions, or if he wears an invisible mask. Though with the amount of time that I've known him, I've seen him show a broad range of emotions so I'm guessing that it is the latter. "Yeah, they said you might change your mind though so I thought I'd come to see if you had." His face changes to show concern. "Is everything okay, Rae? We haven't seen a lot of you lately."

He is probably the only one that I will let get away with calling me that. At least he is considerate enough to use it in private. "I'm fine, Cyborg. I just have a lot on my mind."

"Want to talk about it?" He moves his large body to sit beside me.

My eyes focus off onto the distant horizon. "Not really. Not right now. I need to sort some things out for myself first." I'd never talk about it if I thought I could get away with it, but they'll all learn about my parentage and my curse eventually.

"Okay, but if you ever…" Thankfully, his offer is cut short by someone calling his communicator. I watch Cyborg as he answers his arm – I've always found his technology interesting, but you'll never hear me say that aloud. "Yeah, yeah, I'll be right down." Ending his call, he gets up. "Well, the offer is still there, and if you do happen to change your mind about tonight, you know how to find us."

I almost make a sarcastic remark about Beast Boy and a riot, but I simply nod my reply instead. "Well, hope we see you downtown then. Later, Raven!" Cyborg bolts back towards the door to the roof so he can meet with the others before they decide to try and find him. I am grateful that he is thoughtful, though often times he doesn't seem like it.

Meditation is far from my mind now as I listen for the sounds of them taking off to go celebrate the New Year downtown. Off in the distance, I can hear the noise from the festivities…another reason I wouldn't have wanted to go. The city lights are beautiful though – I can feel the life coming from them, and it saddens me to know what is to come this New Year. I've found lives are much like candles – it doesn't take much to snuff them out.

With my empathic senses passively taking in my surroundings, I feel someone approaching me. I'm really not in the mood to tell them for the fourth time that I'm not going, but the solemn mood emanating off of them makes it difficult to both discern who it is and if that is their intention. Even their steps are cautious, but not attempting to hide their presence.

"So, I take it you didn't feel much like celebrating either." A cautious laugh follows the quiet statement.

Raising my eyebrow at voice, I reply, "You know I don't do parties. The others were looking for you, you know."

Beast Boy takes a seat along side me as Cyborg had, though given the difference in their sizes, his presence isn't quite so looming. A steaming mug is held out in front of me as a sort of peace offering, "I, uh…didn't know where you kept your herbal tea so I hope you don't mind my stuff." He pauses as I silent accept the offering. It has been quite awhile since I had green tea. When he opens his mouth again to speak, I almost expect a joke relating how green he is to the type of tea he drinks, though knowing that he drinks this is a bit of a surprise. "Yeah, I knew…I'm kind of sore from being in one shape for so long hiding from them." He puts his own mug down and rolls his shoulder for emphasis. "You know how they would get if they heard me passing up a chance to party."

That is something I didn't know, but I would like some clarification. "Your powers hurt you?"

"Heh, nothing like that, but it does put a strain on me to be in one shape for too long, but we're talking hours." The changeling shrugs, pausing long enough to gulp some of his drink to try and calm his nerves, "It isn't as bad as it sounds. I just guess that even though my DNA is in a state of flux, or whatever it was that Cyborg and Robin said, I still need to go back to my original form sometime." He blinks momentarily, seemingly having remembered to who he was talking with, "Since when have you been interested in my powers anyway?"

I shrug off his question and change the topic, brushing a stray lock of hair out of my face, "So how come you didn't go with the others?"

This time the green-skinned teen shrugs, "Didn't feel like it. Got a lot of things on my mind. Besides, I need to grow-up at least a little." It is so rare to see Beast Boy in such a solemn mood that it concerns me, and while I try to keep my emotions locked down, I guess my human side can't help letting some through my mental barriers. Though his chugging down the last of his drink off-sets that image. "So…you looking forward to the new year?"

"No. It isn't going to be a good year," my voice remains flat, with my eyes still focused on the horizon. With what I know, I can't even bring myself to look at him.

"Awe, c'mon Raven! You can't know that. No one knows what the future holds. Not even people from the future like that…whatever his name was." The green-skinned teenage boy waves off the fact he can't remember Warp's name, as easy as it might be. "You should cheer up and try to make it a good year 'cause more good things will make the bad not seem so bad." I guess I can't fault him for trying.

"I know what I know and nothing can change that." I cut the changeling off before he can ask, "and no, I don't want to talk about it. It's better if you didn't know."

"Okay." For once Beast Boy drops the subject. Maybe it this melancholy mood he's in.

After a minute or two of silence, I tread onto dangerous ground, trying to start the conversation up again – as I said before, this is a rare occassion, "What is on your mind that you don't even want to party?"

The green-skinned teen shrugs again, "This and that. A New Years Resolution that I want to keep. Well, more like need to 'cause…" Having Beast Boy at a loss for words raises a red flag with me. "You promise not to tell the others?"

"As long as it doesn't compromise the team." We all have this agreement with each other, which is why I can't talk to him about my destiny. Being a portal to bring my father, Trigon, into this world to take over and destroy it is guaranteed to be group knowledge and my subsequent removal from the team.

"If anything, it is going to help the team." I wait for him as he pauses to gather his thoughts. "I just…well, it's about Terra. I don't think we'll be able to reverse what happened anytime soon, and…"

"You want to let go and stop living in the past." Beast Boy's fidgeting is starting to get on my nerves, but all the same, I understand he's nervous. I know better than to phrase it that he wants to move on – saying that would be like asking him to give up hope that we would ever be able to reverse the effects that cast her in stone. Even I won't give up on that. "How come you're telling me?" You aren't particularly fond of me, I know that much.

The changeling's head hangs down as if in defeat, "Yeah, move on. You're the only one that I trust enough. Besides, she was your friend too and you were there for me after…"

"Terra isn't dead," I use as a cover to hide my own emotions that are trying to come forth, "and I didn't do anything." Taking a sip of my drink, I notice that I have been drinking it quite quickly. It has been a long time since I've had green tea, and I have to admit, Beast Boy makes it exceptionally well.

"Yes you did. You listened, kicked my butt out on the course, and made me think to get me back on my feet. I owe you a lot, Raven. You gave me something to look forward to. I've spent long enough in the past and now I want to move towards the future. I don't want anything to hold me back." I watch Beast Boy stand up and walk towards the edge, spreading out his arms as if to wait for his desired freedom to whisk him away. I suppose I can understand where he is coming from. The strain on his mind thinking constantly about her is great. She was both his most trusted companion and his most bitter enemy. He didn't go to the biggest party of the city as his first step towards that goal. Right after it happened, the changeling was out nearly every night at a party to try and distract himself and no one wanted to confront him because they too felt the loss. I let it go for about a week myself before I pretty much beat some sense into him, but he still partied fairly often, though only when the pain got to be great. Over time he went out less and less, which was good because Robin was afraid I was going to do permanent damage to the green-skinned teen with the constant battering I would give him in training. I'm somewhat surprised that he isn't deathly afraid of me now. "You know, I think there's a lot more that I can learn from you. Perhaps sometime you could tell me more about all that meditation you do. I mean, I don't think I'd be as into it as you are, but…you're really cool, you know that?"

With him standing at the edge of the tower, I'm suddenly glad that his back is to me as I fight down a blush. I'm supposed to have better control over my emotions than this, but sensing his along with my attempts to control and repress mine makes that rather difficult.

I manage to get it to go away when he spins around and looks down at me. "So, what are your New Years Resolutions, Rae?"

I almost correct him in what my name is, but I stop the reflex before it occurs. He's just trying to regain his composure after what he told me. "I don't have any," is my other automatic response that I don't hesitate with. Honestly, I don't, but I could be less rude about it I suppose.

"Awe, c'mon! You've got to make at least one! It's tradition!" Taping his chin as if ignorant of my glare, Beast Boy practically jumps when he comes up with an idea. "Oh! I know! You could always make a resolution to try new things before if you decide you don't like them."

Arguing with him would be pointless and would help him come up with crazier resolutions as I declined them. This one seems reasonable enough that I can indulge the green-skinned teen, "Whatever you say…" I grumble before finishing off my own mug, placing it beside me.

"Great! Want to make another?" The look he gives me is both of hope and mischief.

"No." Immediately, the changeling deflates. "You're going against your resolution you know."

One thing he forgot, "The New Year hasn't started yet."

"Oh yeah…heh." Beast Boy chews on his lip as if he's debating something else he wants to say. "Um, could you maybe start your resolution a little early? I was hoping we could go get pizza or something."

Come to think of it, I am pretty hungry. "Aren't they closed?"

"Nah, they're open late tonight and your favorite creepy café is going to be open even later if you want to go…that is if you wouldn't mind the company…"

Tilting my head at Beast Boy, my mind comes up with a couple of different reasons for his request. "You've never wanted to go before."

"Heh…" I seem to have caught something that he hadn't planned on admitting. "One of my other resolutions was to try to get to know you better. I know I've been kind of a jerk and you've been a really good friend even if you don't' realize it, but…I guess now I need to think more of the people around me. Just thought I'd ask anyway."

Standing up, I nod at the changeling, "I am kind of hungry and it would be nice to have company."

"Yeah! Lets go!" Beast Boy grabs my hand and practically drags me back down through the tower. I grab the two empty mugs with my powers and drag them with me. I'd never hear the end of it from the Boy Wonder if we left them up there.

The look on his face helps ease the pain of what I know is to come. With friends like him and the other Titans, maybe I can find the strength to alter my destiny…to stop Trigon from coming. I know it won't be easy, but it is better than sitting back and passively allowing my destiny to take hold of me.  
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Fin  
by JeiC  
December 2005  
Comments?  
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